Wounds

Back in October a video was circulating around Facebook called “I’m Not That Girl – For Every Woman Who Has Never Felt Like ‘That Girl’.” (Source: Buzzfeed). As the (admittedly long) title reveals, this video is a spoken word ode to the girls who aren’t, never have been and probably never will be “that girl.” If you haven’t seen it, I highly suggest you watch it right now, just promise you won’t get sucked into the Buzzfeed blackhole and come back to finish reading this post.

Albeit embarrassing…halfway through this video I started balling. I was basically a human waterfall. It was wild and incredibly confusing. I’m not one for tears, especially over a video, but that’s how I knew a very deep chord had been struck that needed to be acknowledged. This piece ripped open what I consider one of my biggest wounds of having never been and still not being “that girl” despite wanting to be her so badly. Each line spoken brought my insecurity further into the spotlight and I lost it.

Insecurities have a way of doing that. In spite of all the maneuvering you do to mask them, they always manage to show up uninvited. This insecurity of not being “that girl” comes with nagging questions like “What’s wrong with me?” or “Am I not good enough?”, followed by a round of self-doubting and truly not feeling good enough. It’s tough and I hate everything about it from how it makes me feel to my actions of basically becoming mute and a recluse. Just as quickly as these feelings take root, I’ll begin repeatedly telling myself to “get over it and stop being so sensitive” so I can put my happy face back on. It’s not productive at all. I’m not doing anything to actually deal with the wound. I’m just patching it up but not cleaning it out. My reaction to the video made it glaringly obvious. It’s time to heal…to be continued.

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