I’m about two weeks away from turning 25 and for the second time in less than a year I am jobless. While no fault of my own because budget cuts are real and start-ups are unpredictable, it still sucks. This is the exact opposite of what I thought life was supposed to be right now but you know life, she loves surprises.
This time it happened on May 18th, 2017. Unlike last time, I had an idea the night before that it was coming and it was well-handled. I was actually hella optimistic like, “Yep this is my time. It’s about to happen. God is moving in my life. The big moment is around the corner. Purpose and power are about to explode throughout my life.” Still waiting.
While I still am still generally optimistic and work really hard to remain as such (power of positive thinking), I still grapple with a hearty dose of questioning. Why do I always feel misplaced? What am I supposed to do now? Why the *EXPLETIVE OF CHOICE* does this keep happening? I still wake up some days feeling overwhelmed, aimless and/or straight up mad. I have no plan and being plan-less isn’t something I do very well.
If I were to describe my life with a meme, it would be the Mr. Krabs one.
There’s an unfortunate reality and honest truth in all of this.
The unfortunate reality is that I’ve allowed too much of my worth and identity come from a job. Don’t get me wrong, they’re nice but I’ve allowed myself to fall into a dangerous trap that any portion of my worth comes from a job. So when I don’t have one I feel like I’ve lost a bit of myself and am clamoring to feel like I “fit” somewhere. I am more than a job.
The honest truth is I asked for this. I took this most recent job and the job prior knowing they weren’t in line with my interests. I got sidetracked for the promises I made to myself after getting fired last year. I had two debts I absolutely wanted to get rid of and this was a means to do it. I was in constant communication with God about what
my the plan was. Pay off the debt, save like a bandit, and then move on. My heart wasn’t in the work I was doing but finances were my priority and nothing was stopping me from doing exactly that. God seemed to agree, just not in the way I thought. I paid off those two debts four days before I was laid off. I never wanted to be the person who took on work for money alone. Yet, there I was but once that was done, I was moved out. A constant prayer is for my purpose to always be my priority and it’s safe to say that prayer is still being answered even if I do have to take a few blows to get me back on track.
With money no longer being the motive, there is a certain freedom around my job search and making time for my real interests. It also helps that I humbled myself last year and moved back in with my very patient and understanding parents. Hello, reduced rent! I haven’t gone full throttle into plotting a move to New York for two main reasons.The first being that I’ve worked really hard this past year to submit to and become ok with being in Atlanta. I didn’t want to miss out on a blessing here because I was so hell-bent on pushing my own agenda. The second, because I’m human, there is also part me who wants to avoid setting myself up for more disappointment so I’m trying to accept that it may be a dream deferred. Either way, the focus is on continuing to work on accepting and trusting that what I need will come as it always has, while also allowing myself the space to explore and be open to other possibilities.
All of this said, my life still feels out of my control with my dreams feeling more like looming monsters and I an overwhelmed child. Despite the lack of control, sheer confusion, and questioning, all I can do is take it day by day and believe that this isn’t all in vain. It can’t be, right?