A little over two years ago I wrote a post called Wounds where I shared my insecurities of never having been “that girl”. You know, the girl who seemingly always got the guy with ease — feel free to check out the post here to get the full context.
The girl who wrote that post was insecure and unaware of who she was or the beauty she possessed.
She was waiting for someone to give her validation and permission to recognize and own her full self. That’s the thing about insecurities, when they’re running the show you self-sabotage. I now recognize that the times I found myself not feeling like “that girl” I would become a shrinking violet. Trying so hard to blend in with my surroundings out of an odd, self-inflicted embarrassment. That’s not how you win, not just in these situations but life in general.
I closed that post saying “It’s time to heal…to be continued” and healing is what I’ve done. I’m no longer the same person who wrote that post but I’m also still not “that girl”, at least not in the context of who I believed her to be. Yet even in this, the biggest takeaway for me has been that I’m not supposed to be “that girl”. From the days of playground crushes to now, I have always maintained a deep-seated awareness of my value and from that developed strong standards. Even when the thoughts populating the forefront of my mind seemed to be at war with this, my awareness meant that the type of person I wanted would not be easy to come by. They’re someone who, like myself, still had some growing to do in order to recognize my value. For me to become the girl I so desperately thought I wanted to be, I would have had to sacrifice what I knew to be true for myself. At the end of the day I had choice to spend time silencing my inner voice, breaking and shifting to fill the shoes of another persona or continue growing into myself and owning my feelings of “otherness”.
On the point of “otherness”, when you’re not comfortable with yourself, owning and navigating the space of feeling like the “other” can be difficult and lonely. For me, most of my feelings stemmed from a belief that I wasn’t who I thought I wanted to be and I was unable to maneuver my way to her. Basically, I wanted to be like everybody else when I can only be me. I’ve learned and am still learning to appreciate and fully honor the elements of myself that may be contrary to those of the majority.
All in all, using my energy to focus on growing into myself has helped me unearth a woman I am happy with. I’m no longer interested in being “that girl” because I AM that girl, the girl I need to be.